Celebrity Death Match: the Harry Potter Edition!
by Cielita
Summary: Round FOUR is up! What would happen if the characters from HP went on Celebrity Death Match? E-mail me or include in your review ideas for subsequent matches!
1. Round 1 McGonagall VS Trelawney

**_Celebrity Death Match_**

**_Harry Potter Edition_**

**_Disclaimer: you know the drill.  I don't own Harry Potter, the characters, or anything else.  I also don't own Celebrity Death Match or anything affiliated with that.  _**

****

**_Summary: What if the Harry Potter characters headed for the ring in the style of the  popular Celebrity Death Match fights?_**

ROUND I: Minerva McGonagall VERSUS Sibyll Trelawney

Danielle:  Good evening folks, and welcome to the first round of competition of the special Harry Potter edition of Celebrity Death Match!  We're in for an exciting first round of competition here tonight as Minerva 'The Cat' McGonagall takes on Sibyll 'The Seer' Trelawney.  

Sky:  That's right, Danielle.  I have to say that this fight has been a long time in coming!  The combatants are climbing into their corners right now, let's see if we can't get a comment from the fighters.  

**Camera change: McGonagall's corner**

McGonagall It's time to pay the piper, bat!  I've been waiting a long time to hand your sorry head to you!  

**Camera change: Trelawney's corner**

Trelawney  I see bruises in your future, Minerva!  I do hope you've been working on you pilates!  Oh, that's right, _you can't seem to manage a single solitary pushup!  Come on over, bitch!  Destiny beckons!_

**Camera change: McGonagall's corner**

McGonagall You just crossed it, slut!

**Camera change: Trelawney's corner**

Trelawney  What did you just call me?

**Camera change: McGonagall's corner**

McGonagall You can't tell me that you think the whole school didn't hear you banging the living daylights out of Professor—

**Camera change: Trelawney's corner**

Trelawney Oh really!?  And I suppose you mean to say that it wasn't you giving the Headmaster the old one two last night?!  Now who's the slut?

**Camera change: Back to the commentators' table**

Danielle: Ooooh.  Trelawney probably shouldn't have done that…*wince* 

Sky: The referee is moving to the middle of the ring, now.  The whistle is blown and the fight is on!  Brilliant opening move by McGonagall as she uses the classic "Expelliarmus" opener.  

Danielle: Right you are!  And it seems to have made quick work of Trelawney.  Funny…you would think that she'd have seen that coming…

Sky: Wait a minute!  Trelawney is getting back up!  What's that she has?  A chair!  She's running across the ring!  Ladies and gentleman, those of you with weak stomachs may want to turn away!  This is not going to be pretty!  

**CRASH!**    **Crowd –gasp!—and WHOAH!**

Danielle: Quick thinking by McGonagall!  She saves herself from potentially serious head injury by turning the chair into a pig!  Trelawney should have known that there are few props you can get by a transfiguration professor!  ((pig runs squealing about the ring and falls out of it))

Sky (jumps up and down and cheers) :Wao!!!  Go Minerva!  Get her!!  Ah-hem.   Absolutely, Danielle, Trelawney's performance tonight is nothing short of sloppy!  

Danielle: Wait a minute here…there's something happening with Trelawney's wand!  ((pig is still squealing))

Trelawney screams, "Incendio!!"

((Pig is finally caught and silenced))

Danielle: I can't believe it!  She's set McGonagall's hair on fire!  I haven't seen this level of abuse since…well…since ever!  How's the Cat going to fight her way out of this one?  Wait!  Is that?  YES!  IT IS!  

Sky: IT WAS A WIG!  LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, MINERVA MCGONAGALL WAS WEARING A WIG!  She rips the burning wig from her head and charges!

McGonagall yells, "I'm gonna squash you like the BUG you are!"

Danielle: McGonagall lunges and misses!  Ow!  That's gonna leave a mark as McGonagall rams face-first into the corner post!  But wait!  She's on the ropes, ladies and gentlemen!  She bounces off the top rope and leaps gracefully across the ring and---She's done it!  McGonagall has stolen Trelawney's glasses!  

Sky: YES!  (cough-cough) I mean, Trelawney is really hurting now, folks!  It doesn't look like it will take much else to finish this match up, Danielle!  

Danielle: You've got that right, Sky.  McGonagall is climbing the ropes again!  She bounces to work up some momentum and leaps!  Oh!  I can't watch!

McGonagall body slams Trelawney

**Crowd: OUCH!  OOHH!  THAT HAD TO HURT!**

Sky: Oh my God!  Trelawney is back up and what's this?!  _She's got McGonagall's flaming wig!_  She's spinning it around in the air!  There's the throw! 

The wig sails through the air and catches Minerva's skirt

Danielle: This could mean big trouble for McGonagall if she doesn't get that fire out, Sky!

Sky: She's floundering a little!  C'mon, McGonagall, snap out of it!

Danielle: Trelawney must have really done her homework on this one, Sky, it's a little known fact that Minerva McGonagall is afraid of fire!  I wonder who sold out *that* secret?  

Backstage: Draco Malfoy cackles maniacally as a stranger in a trench coat, hat and shades dashes out a stage door

Sky: Look!  I think McGonagall is ready to fire back!  Pardon the pun!  She's thrown down her wand and she's running across the ring!  Oh no, Trelawney is frozen in fear!  

Danielle: Don't look now, folks!  McGonagall has thrown herself on top of a half-blinded Trelawney!  She's pulling the pins out of Trelawney's hair!  Oh, no!  This is too brutal ladies and gentleman!  For those of you watching at home, you may want to send the kids to bed right now because—

Minerva holds up a long pin and releases a war cry much like a caged beast before plunging it down toward Sibyll's face  

Sky: I can't watch this!  Who knew such a brutality lived in such a calm exterior?  

Danielle: Wait!  That's impossible!  Sibyll Trelawney has managed to escape the wrath of 'The Cat'!  

Sky: WHAT!!  

Danielle: That's what I said, Sky!  Trelawney has mysteriously disappeared!  

McGonagall slams the pin into the mat with every ounce of force she can muster

There is a bat flapping about the lights above the ring

McGonagall looks up…hmmm

Danielle: Boy, McGonagall might not have been doing pilates people, but our sources here at Celebrity Death Match tell us that she has in fact been lifting weights for some time in anticipation of this match!  

Sky: How can McGonagall think her way out of this one?  

((Her skirt hem is still smoldering))

Danielle: If she's thinking what I think she's thinking…

Sky: (shocked) Would she resort to that?

Danielle: We're going to have to see when we return from these messages from our sponsors!  

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Educating the finest young wizarding minds for over 200 years!  Mention that you heard this ad and receive a free plush toy in the form of your child's house mascot!  Makes a great gift idea!  We're on the web!  Click on over to www.hogwartsschool.com and see our new interactive, 3D game!  Also see our new virtual tour.  We are currently looking for a capable, qualified individual to fill a vacancy in our Defense Against the Dark Arts class.  Applicants must possess very high grades at both O.W.L level and N.E.W.T level.  Applicants should be well organized, not particularly vain, and should also value a fast-paced, challenging work environment.  Please send resume, curriculum vitae and references by owl to:

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Danielle: Back to live action!  Before the break we saw quite an impressive fight begin out here, Sky!  

Sky: That's right, Danielle!  The battle between Minerva "The Cat" McGonagall and Sibyll "The Seer" Trelawney is nearing its end here, I think!

Danielle: Right you are, Sky!  It seems that Professor McGonagall has taken matters into her own hands—or is it PAWS!  Professor McGonagall has transfigured herself into her Animagus form of a cat!  You know what they say about bats, right, Sky?

Sky:  Oh yes, I do, Danielle.  A bat is nothing but a flying MOUSE!  

McGonagall walks across the ropes to the middle of the one closest to the commentators' table and leaps up as hard as she can—catching a mouthful of bat!

**Crowd: jumping up and down and cheering!**

Danielle: I DON'T BELIEVE IT!  MINERVA 'THE CAT' MCGONAGALL HAS CAUGHT TRELAWNEY!  

There is a sickening crunch in the middle of the ring

**Crowd: EEeeewww!!**

((The lights in the stadium go out!))

Sky: We seem to be having technical difficulties here, Danielle!  The technicians tell me that they only need another minute to get the lights back!  

Lights come back on to show a gray tabby cat in the middle of the ring, licking her paws and washing her face with them

**Crowd: stunned silence**

Danielle: Boy, Professor McGonagall sure made short work of this one, didn't she!

Sky: (jumping up and down again) YES!  YES!  The referee is going to the middle of the ring now…he's picking up the cat…There's the bell!  The winner is Minerva 'The Cat' McGonagall!  

**Crowd: goes wild!!**


	2. Round 2 Dumbledore VS McGonagall

Celebrity Death Match  
Harry Potter Edition  
  
Disclaimer: you know the drill. I don't own Harry Potter, the characters,  
or anything else. I also don't own Celebrity Death Match or anything  
affiliated with that.  
  
Summary: What if the Harry Potter characters headed for the ring in the  
style of the popular Celebrity Death Match fights?  
  
ROUND II: Minerva McGonagall VERSUS Albus Dumbledore  
  
Danielle: Good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to Round 2 of the Harry Potter edition of Celebrity Death Match! In tonight's competition, returning champion, Minerva 'The Cat' McGonagall will take on Albus Wulfric Percival Brian Dumbledore, the headmaster of Hogwart's School!  
  
Sky: It promises to be a very interesting fight tonight Danielle! The crowd, jam-packed with Hogwarts students and staff, has dubbed this match "The Lovers' Quarrel". Does Dumbledore really think he stands a chance against a woman nearly half his age?  
  
Danielle: Let's see if our combatants have any opening remarks!  
  
  
  
Get ready to have your hat handed to you, Albus! I trust that you heard what happened to Sibyll?  
  
  
  
Indeed I did hear the fate that met poor Sibyll. I, however, would not be foolish enough to transform into anything that met the dietary requirements of a cat!  
  
  
  
You're gonna pay for that little stunt that you and the others pulled last night! Really! Moving my whole bedroom, with me in it no less, to the Great Hall was stepping over the line!  
  
  
  
My dear, the look on your face was worth every ounce of effort!  
  
  
  
Danielle: (Cringing) Ooh. We probably shouldn't have gotten him involved, huh, Sky?  
  
Sky: (Coming out from under the table) Oh, I don't know, it certainly made things a little more interesting for tonight, didn't it? At least she's taking it out on him and not all of us! (in the background: "I heard that, Sky!") Oh God! (Hides under the table again)  
  
Danielle: There's the bell and the fight is on! McGonagall's getting physical in this round, grabbing hold of Dumbledore's face fight away at the beginning!  
  
Sky: What's she doing?!  
  
Danielle: She's KISSING HIM! Ladies and gentlemen, is there no depth that this woman will not sink to in order to win!?  
  
((Crowd: Whoah!))  
  
Danielle: OUCH! Professor McGonagall has just landed a painful blow to Dumbledore's 'magic wand'!  
  
Sky: (from beneath the table) That HAD to hurt! Dumbledore is crumpling to the mat and curling in agony! Personally, I can't say I blame him! By the way, can I come out now?  
  
Danielle: Come on back, Sky, I don't think she's going to be hurting anyone but Dumbledore for a while!  
  
Sky: Good! So what's Dumbledore got up his sleeve? He hasn't even thrown a punch!  
  
Danielle: I'm sure we won't have to wait long for retaliation in this bout, Sky.  
  
(Dumbledore is holding McGonagall at arm's length with his hand on her face and she's swinging her arms, trying to hit him, even though her arms are just inches too short.)  
  
Danielle: Whoa! McGonagall's knee comes up again, but this time he anticipates the attack and jumps back!  
  
Sky: The sudden release of McGonagall's face must have knocked her balance off, Danielle, because...(there's a *thud* in the background as McGonagall hits the mat face first).*winces* ouch.that's gonna leave a mark!  
  
Danielle: She's getting back up now.wait a minute here, folks, McGonagall's taking something out of her pocket, but what is it!?  
  
Sky: Hey! What's she doing with that lemon drop?  
  
(The commentators exchange looks of fear and cringe as there's a rip of fabric and then turn away as only Dumbledore's cry of agony can be heard echoing through the stadium.)  
  
(The commentators look at each other again and then the camera changes to show the crowd, every face staring in wide-eyed horror at what McGonagall has just done)  
  
Danielle: Will he get back up? He looks as though he's in shock!  
  
Sky: Wait a minute, she's saying something to him.let's see if we can hear!  
  
  
  
(gritting her teeth) I'm-allergic-to-lemon!  
  
(still in shock) ..Minerva..I.I had no idea.  
  
(smiling wickedly) Well, dear, the look on your face was worth every-single-solitary-ounce-of-effort.  
  
((Crowd: blinks in shock. Not sure what to think))  
  
Danielle: Is this fight over? Wait! Dumbledore is getting up! Ladies and Gentlemen we are in for a treat tonight! (passes popcorn to Sky)  
  
Sky: Dumbledore is picking himself up off the mat, folks. He's approaching McGonagall with what looks like malice on his face!  
  
Danielle: More like revenge, Sky. I'd hate to see what he tries to shove- never mind.I really don't want to know!  
  
Sky: (chokes on popcorn laughing) We'll be right back after a word from our sponsors! (throws some of the popcorn at Danielle)  
  
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Danielle: (still patting Sky on the back as she finishes choking on the popcorn) Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen to round 2 of the Harry Potter Edition of Celebrity Death Match. When we broke for commercials, Minerva 'The Cat' McGonagall was taking an early lead on Albus Wulfric Percival Brian Dumbledore in this, McGonagall's second round of competition.  
  
Sky: That's right, Danielle. We're now watching as Dumbledore advances on the woman he loves. Now, the way I heard it, Danielle, there Dumbledore had some sort of wager going on within the staff that he could win *without* hitting her. I wonder how the staff is feeling about their bet right now?  
  
(to other staff members) I hope you came with empty pockets, because Dumbledore is gonna be paying up tonight. (smiling arrogantly)  
  
(hands clapped over her mouth and eyes wide open) I didn't think she had it in her.  
  
Oh, poor Albus!  
  
Are ya *sure* tha's Minerva?  
  
Uh, yeah. That's her all right.  
  
Danielle: Fascinating! Let's return to the ring to see what happens!  
  
Sky: Dumbledore has his opponent cornered here now! How's McGonagall going to get out of this one?  
  
Danielle: I don't know Sky. It might not take much seeing as Dumbledore is walking a little funny these days.  
  
Sky: He's tying her to the corner post of the ring! I don't think she'll stand for that for too long!  
  
Danielle: It looks like Dumbledore may have her where he wants her now, folks!  
  
Sky: Dumbledore has his wand out! I hope he's not gonna do what I think he's gonna!  
  
Rictusempra!  
  
(McGonagall begins to giggle, then squirm, and laugh. After only a few minutes, she's laughing so hard she has tears running down her face.)  
  
Danielle: The referee is moving to the center of the ring!  
  
Sky: I don't believe it! Dumbledore has been proclaimed the winner! Ladies and gentlemen, Albus Dumbledore has proved that once again he *is* the greatest wizard in the world!  
  
(McGonagall is still laughing in the background, stomping her foot and gasping for air.)  
  
Danielle: Join us again next time for another exciting round of competition on Celebrity Death Match!! 


	3. Round 3 Snape VS Lockhart

Celebrity Death Match  
Harry Potter Edition  
  
Disclaimer: you know the drill. I don't own Harry Potter, the characters,  
or anything else. I also don't own Celebrity Death Match or anything  
affiliated with that.  
  
Summary: What if the Harry Potter characters headed for the ring in the  
style of the popular Celebrity Death Match fights?  
  
A/N: Big Hugs to Sky, my partner and fellow commentator! *waves!* Hi Sky!  
  
ROUND III: Severus Snape VS Gilderoy Lockhart  
  
Danielle: Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen to round three of competition in the Harry Potter edition of Celebrity Death Match. I'd like to thank all that have been regularly tuning in to watch and encourage your constructive suggestions and ideas for new death matches!  
  
Sky: That's right! Every suggestion is taken into careful consideration. Let's meet our fighters for this night's round of competition. We have world-renowned adventurer Gilderoy Lockhart with us tonight *suppresses a shudder* and opposing him will be the one and only Severus Snape *fights to keep from giggling as he looks at her and winks, blowing her a kiss*.  
  
**Camera change, Snape's corner**  
  
You're going down, you self-absorbed git!  
  
**Camera change, Lockhart's corner**  
  
Severus, Severus. Just because you're jealous doesn't mean you stoop low enough to name call! (turning to the crowd) I'll try to go easier than usual! (some girls swoon, he flashes a smile at them)  
  
**Camera change, Snape's corner**  
  
Try not to mess up your hair, pretty boy!  
  
**Camera change, Commenter's table**  
  
Sky: This shouldn't take long! There's the bell and the referee is backing out of the ring to begin the fight!  
  
Danielle: Snape is wasting no time with this fight!  
  
Expelliarmus!  
  
**Lockhart flies across the ring and bounces off the ropes**  
  
Well done Professor, but if I may say.."  
  
No, Gilderoy, you may NOT say! Rictusempra!  
  
**Lockhart hits the floor again and this time, writhes and giggles for several minutes.**  
  
Sky: WHOOO! GO SEVVIE! GOOO SEVVIIIEEE! (everyone goes quiet, staring at the highly biased commenter) *cough* and Lockhart! Hehe. Gilderoy just attempted a tickling charm, but, alas, it didn't work! Severus has his wand out (there is a sudden barking sound) EE! Daaaw.it's a little blonde poodle! Oh, Sev! Don't move! I've got a great view of your stern from this angle.  
  
Danielle: (scared look) Um.while Sky has begun to drool, we can clearly see that Lockhart is now a poodle! With.rather shiny teeth. What is he going to do?!  
  
Sky: (shoves Danielle out of her chair) The little blonde poodle is advancing. Nevermind, he's attempting to-Can I say this on air?!  
  
(Cry of pain from Severus' end, rabid Lockhart fan girls squeal because it seems Lockhart is winning)  
  
Danielle: (crawling back into her chair) Lockhart seems to be gaining some ground here! Snape had better get his groove on if he's going to beat Lockhart!  
  
**Snape turns and charges at the poodle, now turned back into a man, and jumped on him, pounding his fists into his face**  
  
Lockhart: No! Stop! My face!  
  
Snape: and that's not all I'm gonna rearrange, Drag Queen.  
  
**Snape yanks out several handfuls of his hair as Lockhart screams**  
  
Lockhart: NO!!! Stop!!! Not my hair! Mercy! Mercy! PLEASE DON'T TOUCH MY HAIR!! Did you just call me a drag queen?  
  
**Suddenly, Lockhart falls limp in Snape's arms as Snape is winding up to kidney punch him.**  
  
**Sky and Dani are standing now, trying to get a better view of the action.**  
  
Danielle: It appears that Lockhart has suffered a major heart attack and died right there on the mat! Must have been the fact that Snape was ripping out his perfect hair.  
  
Sky: Yeah, too bad he didn't have time to go after his too-perfect TEETH while he was at it!  
  
**Snape stands, straightens his robes, produces his wand and says, **  
  
Snape: La Carnam, Inflamarai  
  
**Lockhart's lifeless body catches fire and roasts to a crisp in a flash of flames**  
  
**Bell rings in the background**  
  
Danielle: And the winner is, Severus Snape!!!  
  
Sky: Thanks for watching folks and tune in again next time to Celebrity Death Match, the Harry Potter Edition!! 


	4. Round 4 Hermione Granger VS Luna Lovegoo...

Celebrity Death Match  
Harry Potter Edition  
  
Disclaimer: you know the drill. I don't own Harry Potter, the characters,  
or anything else. I also don't own Celebrity Death Match or anything  
affiliated with that.  
  
Summary: What if the Harry Potter characters headed for the ring in the  
style of the popular Celebrity Death Match fights?  
  
ROUND IV: Hermione Granger VS Luna Lovegood  
  
Danielle: Welcome to another exciting round of competition on Celebrity Death Match, the Harry Potter Edition! We have what promises to be an amazing fight for you tonight as renowned scholar Hermione Granger takes on tabloid princess Luna Lovegood!  
  
Sky: That's right, Danielle! Personally, I've been waiting for this fight for a long time! It's going to be interesting to see the battle strategies of these two very different fighters.  
  
Danielle: You've got that right! Hermione's highly intellectual style and Luna's passive tendencies are going to make this an fascinating fight! Let's go to the corners to hear the combatants' opening comments!  
  
**Camera Change: Hermione's corner**  
  
Hermione: Oh, I've been waiting for this for a long time you pint-sized, spoiled rotten runt! Popping your bubble is gonna be a pleasure!  
  
**Camera Change: Luna's corner**  
  
Luna: Now, you would think that someone of your intelligence wouldn't need to resort to physical violence. My father and I were in Africa one summer and noted a similar behavior in-  
  
**Camera Change: Commentator's table**  
  
*Luna continues to chatter in the background*  
  
Danielle: While Luna is still talking, the bell has been struck, and the round begins!  
  
Sky: Hermione easily gains the first hit in this fight, Danielle, casting the ever-popular tickling spell!  
  
Hermione: Rictusempra! Take that, you twit!  
  
*The spell bounces off Luna's shield charm, and Luna counters with a classic stunning spell.*  
  
Luna: Stupefy! Dodge that! I'm sure it will be a challenge considering the proportions that your head has reached in the last year!  
  
Hermione: That does it! Serpens Sortia!  
  
**A snake materializes from the end of Hermione's wand and flies through the air, landing at Luna's feet and hissing angrily.**  
  
Luna: Really, Hermione, a fool could have realized that this spell wasn't going to scare me! (She bends down, carefully picks up the snake and removes it from the ring.)  
  
Hermione: Fool this! Expelliarmus!  
  
**Luna flies across the ring and hits the padded corner post. Luna simply gets up, dusts off her robes, and takes her wand from behind her ear, pointing it again at Hermione**  
  
**Camera Change: Audience**  
  
Harry: Go Hermione!  
  
Ron: You get her, Hermione! That a girl, sweetheart!  
  
**Harry flashes Ron a surprised look**  
  
Ron: (to Harry) We were going to tell you sooner or later, but we got caught up in all of this competition and forgot, that's all!  
  
**Camera Change: Commentators' table**  
  
Danielle: This keeps getting better and better!  
  
Sky: That's for sure!  
  
Danielle: It looks like Luna is lecturing again! Is she trying to *talk* Hermione to death?  
  
Sky: One thing's for sure, Hermione is anything but patient, and with someone like Luna, her fuse is going to be even shorter! But what will Hermione do? We'll find out after these messages from our sponsors!  
  
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*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Danielle: Now, back to live action! Hermione has taken a pounding since the break Sky, let's recap what's been happening!  
  
Sky: I don't know if I can repeat some of this, Danielle! It's just too brutal!  
  
Danielle: Luna has landed some key hits, and Hermione is now having a hard time getting back up off the floor of the ring!  
  
**Camera Change: Audience**  
  
*Harry is having a hard time physically restraining Ron from jumping in the ring with the girls!*  
  
Ron: Dirty rotten cheater!! Let her up! I'll come down there and kick your bum myself!  
  
**Camera Change: Commentators' table**  
  
Danielle: Hermione is pulling herself up off the floor again, and this time, I have a feeling that it's no more Miss Nice Intellectual!  
  
Sky: Ooh! Hermione has deserted her wand and has resorted to physical combat! She charges at Luna and-I don't believe it! She's taken Luna's glasses!  
  
**As Luna gropes around in the ring, Hermione stalks around her, smug with pleasure. She grabs hold of Luna's long hair and ties her to the ropes**  
  
Hermione: I dare you to get out of that one! (Hermione stands up, straightens her robes and hair, and casts one last spell) EXPECTO PATRONUM!  
  
**Hermione's beaver patronus emerges from her wand and begins gnawing mercilessly on Luna. Minutes later, out of a cloud of dust and ripping noises, Hermione remains standing and all that is left of Luna is a pile of cleanly picked bones as Hermione's patronus evaporates into thin air.**  
  
**Camera Change: Audience**  
  
**Most of Gryffindor house is now on their feet and cheering. Harry and Ron are ecstatic**  
  
Ron: THAT A GIRL, HERMIONE! THAT'S MY GIRL!  
  
Harry: WHOOOOO! WAY TO GO, HERMIONE!!!  
  
Fred: (to George) I never Hermione had it in her!  
  
George: I did! Remind me never to make Hermione hate me!  
  
**Camera pans over the crowd, getting shots of the Gryffindors cheering and waving their pennants. Seamus Finnegan is body surfing.**  
  
**Camera Change: Commentators' table**  
  
Danielle: This match is over! The winner is Hermione Granger!!  
  
Sky: Thanks for joining us once again folks for this round of Celebrity Death Match! Come back again next time for another exciting bout! 


	5. Round 5 McGonagall VS Umbridge

Celebrity Death Match  
Harry Potter Edition  
  
Disclaimer: you know the drill. I don't own Harry Potter, the characters,  
or anything else. I also don't own Celebrity Death Match or anything  
affiliated with that.  
  
Summary: What if the Harry Potter characters headed for the ring in the  
style of the popular Celebrity Death Match fights?  
  
A/N: Big huggles to Jestana for becoming my new co-host! Sky, I miss you,  
hon!  
  
ROUND V: Minerva McGonagall VS Dolores Jane Umbridge  
  
Danielle: Welcome to another round of competition on Celebrity Death Match, the Harry Potter Edition! We have history in the making here ladies and gentlemen as reigning champion Minerva "The Cat" McGonagall takes on long- time bitter rival Dolores Umbridge!  
  
Jestana: Absolutely, Danielle! Personally, I've been waiting for this fight ever since Dolores so rudely attacked Minerva with those stunning spells! (growling) tubby, ugly, toady, good for nothing...  
  
Danielle: Now, Jestana, let's save the emotions for the fight. Speaking of which, let's get our fighter's opening comments!  
  
Camera Change: Minerva's corner  
  
Minerva: (rolls her shoulders and takes a deep breath as she stares down her opponent) Guess who's back? Are you sure you wouldn't like that cough drop?  
  
Camera Change: Umbridge's corner  
  
Umbridge: Now, you might think you have this fight in the palm of your bony hand because you have the headmaster in your bed but you've got another thing coming Minerva McGonagall!  
  
Camera Change: Commentator's table  
  
Danielle: While Umbridge was talking, the bell rang and the round has begun!  
  
Jestana: Minerva easily gains the first hit in this fight, Danielle, casting the ever-popular disarming spell!  
  
Minerva: Expelliarmus! Take that, you toad!  
  
The spell bounces off Umbridge's shield charm, and Umbridge counters with a classic stunning spell.  
  
Umbridge: Stupefy! Dodge that!  
  
Minerva: (dodges it easily and then fires back) Back-stabbing bitch! Expelliarmus!  
  
Umbridge flies across the ring and hits the padded corner post. She's having trouble getting back up due to her enormous weight. Minerva is stalking across the ring, wand raised and fury in her eyes.  
  
Camera Change: Audience  
  
Severus: Go Minerva!  
  
Albus: That a girl, Mineva my dear!  
  
Severus: (to Albus) She doesn't really mean to kill Professor Umbridge does she?  
  
Albus: I can't guarantee that, Severus, she has a lot of rage!  
  
Camera Change: Commentators' table  
  
Danielle: This is some fight!  
  
Jestana: That's for sure!  
  
Danielle: It looks like Umbridge is finally getting back up just as Minerva is coming into range!  
  
Jestana: One thing's for sure, Minerva is anything but patient, and with someone like Umbridge, her fuse is going to be even shorter! What do you think Minerva will do with this toad when she has her in her grasp?  
  
Danielle: We'll find out after a word from our sponsors! Stay tuned to Celebrity Death Match! Ollivander's  
  
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Danielle: Now, back to live action! Minerva has taken a pounding since the break, Jestana; let's recap what's been happening!  
  
Jestana: I don't know if I can do this, Danielle! This is horrible!  
  
Danielle: Umbridge has landed a few solid hits and now Minerva is leaning on the ropes!  
  
Camera Change: Audience  
  
Professor Dumbledore is having a hard time sitting still. He and Professor Snape know that Umbridge is fighting dirty but there isn't anything they can do about it, yet. Suddenly, Snape stands and politely excuses himself to go use the men's room.  
  
Camera Change: Corridor  
  
A masked man approaches Snape. Snape swaps a scrap of parchment for the galleons in his hand. He approaches the ring as Minerva is leaning over and whispers something to her. Minerva turns to Umbridge with an evil grin and cracks her knuckles in anticipation.  
  
Camera Change: Commentators' table  
  
Danielle: Minerva is pulling herself off the ropes! This could spell trouble for Umbridge!  
  
Jestana: Ooh, I hope so! Minerva has deserted her wand and has resorted to physical forms of combat! She charges at Umbridge and—I don't believe it! She's turned into her Animagus form! She's a tabby cat!  
  
As Minerva stalks around her, Umbridge smiles smugly and transforms herself into a large toad. Minerva proceeds to chase the fleeing toad about the ring.  
  
Minerva: (unexpectedly turning back into a woman) I warned you about messing with me!  
  
Minerva pulls a cord near the edge of the ring and a giant vat of small green objects pours onto Umbridge, burying her. Minerva dusts off her hands and then commands the mound of cough drops off the stage. She strides up to Umbridge, still a toad, and watches as she lays twitching on the floor of the ring. Minerva sinks to one knee and leans over the toad.   
  
Minerva: Well, at least I didn't use a spoon.  
  
The toad's eyes widen as it continues to twitch. Minerva raises a high- heeled, high buttoned shoe and slams it down, the toad's body making a hideous squishing sound. The audience reacts in disgust but then:  
  
Camera Change: Audience  
  
The members of Gryffindor house are now on their feet and cheering.  
  
Albus: Bravo, Minerva!!  
  
Severus: WHOOOOO! Well, done, professor!  
  
Alastor: I never knew Minerva had it in her!  
  
Poppy: I did! Remind me never to make Minerva angry!  
  
Camera pans over the crowd, getting shots of the Gryffindors screaming, cheering and waving their pennants. Roses shower down onto the ring around Minerva as she makes a graceful curtsy in each direction of the crowd.  
  
Camera Change: Commentators' table  
  
Danielle: It's all over! The reigning champion is once again Minerva McGonagall!!  
  
Jestana: Thanks for joining us once again folks for this round of Celebrity Death Match! Come back again next time for another exciting bout when newcomer Bellatrix LaStrange takes on a mystery opponent! 


End file.
